c'est la guerre

Here’s my list of reasons to not have children.

1. They cost a lot of money
2. They are typically annoying
3. Potty training. Nuff said
4. If you have children you can’t drink whenever you want
5. If you have children you can’t smoke weed whenever you want
6. If you want to go out you have to find and then pay a babysitter
7. They might be allergic to your cats
8. They might be allergic to your dogs
9. They might be allergic to fucking anything
10. I wouldn’t be able to work on obtaining my doctorate with children
11. I wouldn’t be able to spend as much time at the lab with children
12. Children don’t have empathy (when they’re young) and are therefore terrible people
13. Children grow up to teenagers who are even more terrible than children
14. Children can’t wipe their own noses
15. Children can’t wipe their own asses
16. Children can’t feed themselves for a long time
17. You have to cut up all of their food or else they’ll choke
18. You can’t leave sharp objects around the house
19. You can’t leave anything of value around the house
20. Even if you do everything right your kid might grow up to be a serial killer
21. As a woman, I’m absolutely stuck with those children if the man decides to leave
22. Unlike cats you can’t leave children alone for a weekend with extra food and water
23. You might not ever like your children yet you still have to take care of them
24. You can’t have sex anywhere and everywhere with children around
25. You’re supposed to ‘watch your mouth’ around fucking children
26. You are legally obligated to provide for them for 18 years, most likely it will be much longer
27. You have to worry about pedophiles raping your kids
28. You have to worry about priests raping your kids (if you’re religious)
29. You have to stay up all night with them when they are sick
30. You have to clean up vomit
31. You have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them
32. My boobs would get saggy as fuck from stretching and then breastfeeding
33. Stretch-marks EVERYWHERE from pregnancy
34. You have to birth a watermelon sized baby out of a lemon sized hole
35. You have to buy new outfits all the fucking time since kids grow fast
36. Same goes for expensive shoes
37. When children get older they demand you buy them things and then throw tantrums in the store
38. When children grow in to teenagers they might be pissed that you bought them the wrong color ipod. When I was a kid there were no fucking ipods you ungrateful bastard.
39. While pregnant I wouldn’t be able to smoke/drink/eat whatever I wanted
40. If you smoke weed when you have children you are considered to be a bad parent
41. Even if you send your kid to private school they might still grow up to be a dumbass
42. You can’t go to a nude beach with children
43. Shopping takes 5X longer with children
44. When shopping you end up buying way the fuck more due to whining children
45. I wouldn’t be able to watch whatever I wanted to on the television since most wouldn’t be “kid-friendly”
46. It’s how you get ants
47. You can’t pursue your passions/hobbies easily with children. They fuck that shit up
48. When children get older they want to do their own hobbies which takes away from your time
49. Children will eventually say they hate you when they become teenagers
50. Your child could become a pregnant teen which you will inevitably have to care for
51. Children put small things in their mouth which could choke them so you have to always watch them
52. I wouldn’t be able to take a nap during the day
53. I wouldn’t be able to set my own sleeping schedule
54. Everyone would hate me when I would go to restaurants with children
55. Flying on planes would also be terrible
56. Changing diapers all the time
57. Taking the trash out all the time since it always has shitty diapers in it
58. You couldn’t stay out until 5am on a Thursday
59. I would actually have to cook meals
60. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in until 2 in the afternoon
61. Children tend to leave their toys around the house and stepping on legos fucking hurts
62. The world is already overpopulated, having children just keeps adding to the problem
63. The world is getting destroyed by capitalism, having children just ensures more suffering
64. You have to watch you children when you go shopping because they tend to just run everywhere
65. I’d be that parent leashing their kids and everyone staring and judging me
66. I’d have to listen to children’s music and that shit is terrible
67. Children tend to ruin electronics like it’s going out of style
68. You will eventually have to give that awkward ‘birds and the bees’ talk
69. My genes might suck and I’d hate to pass those on
70. There are more than enough children in the world that need adoption, why add to that
71. You have to help children get dressed every single day
72. Same goes for putting on shoes which kids seem to love to take off
73. Babies are ugly and I’d hate to have an ugly kid
74. You can’t just move wherever whenever you want
75. I’m very shellfish and I’d have to give that up for kids
76. As a woman my last name probably wouldn’t even get passed on to the next generation
77. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing in life, how in the world could I raise a kid
78. I wouldn’t have time to help bring down Monsanto
79. I don’t feel maternal now, how do I know I’d develop that after having a child
80. They might draw on my t.v. with permanent marker
81. Children inevitably draw on the walls
82. You can’t have nice things with children
83. You especially can’t have light colored carpet
84. I’d be completely responsible for another life when I can’t really keep plants alive
85. I’d be expected to stay in a long term (essentially lifelong) commitment with another person which I don’t see myself doing
86. I’d have to do more laundry which I already hate doing
87. I’d have to do more dishes which I hate more than laundry
88. I’d have to clean up blood and bandage wounds. I already have a hard time handling my own
89. My insurance costs would raise dramatically
90. I’d have to go to the doctor more often
91. I’d have to clean the house more often since kids always leave their damn toys everywhere
92. I couldn’t just sit down and read a book for three hours straight
93. Children always get in to makeup at some point and ruin it all
94. My kids might absolutely terrorize my house while I’m working the night shift, dumping food everywhere and ruining everything
95. I wouldn’t be able to paint my nails without interruption
96. I wouldn’t be able to walk around naked without getting awkward questions
97. I wouldn’t be able to go on Reddit nearly as much as I currently do
98. All of the things I worked hard to achieve would pretty much be replaced by the title “Mother”
99. My genetic line will die out eventually, even if I had children
100. I wouldn’t of had time to write out this list

(via Flowing_Phloem of reddit)